The Normandy Files
by ShallowLife9817
Summary: Random short stories... filled with stalker aliens, pranks, drama romance and pure undiluted awesome
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note** : Hi this is my first published Fan Fiction. I welcome CONTRUCTIVE feedback. So I may improve my writing

This are just one off ramblings born form boredom. I am using my Cannon Shepard Johanna. [ Vanguard. Earthborn, Sole survivor]

Now, I don't own the Mass Effect universe, the awesome Bioware does. So, now for the first chapter...

* * *

><p><strong>Mission Update 1: Of Missing Pants and Devious Plots<strong>

"Are you sure about this, Ashley?" Joker asked the Gunnery Chief. "'Cause if this fails... let's just say medical science has only come so far."

Ashley was sitting calmly in the co-pilot's chair. She had always liked Joker, he was dedicated to his job and good for a laugh. He'd make the perfect co–conspirator for this mission.

"It'll be fine. Minimal casualties, and who knows, you could be hailed a hero amongst the crew," she assured him. "Besides, we owe it to the Lt and the commander." She finished, a sly smile on her face.

Joker sighed, thinking it over. After a minute or two, he looked Ashley in the eyes .

"Fine, I'll do it, but you owe me for this - I'm talking firstborn named in honour of me." He replied. "Now tell me this plan of yours before I back out."

* * *

><p>Kaidan had almost finished his shower. He felt both relaxed and relived as the hot water washed the last of the Thorian Creeper goo down the drain. Now he could forget about Saren, Geth, monstrous plants and certain thoughts about his commanding officer. He could just focus on the hot water... the sound of it, the feel of it...<p>

The only thing that disturbed him was the sound of footsteps in the bathroom, but he wasn't surprised: it was a public shower room after all. Crew came and went as they pleased. The showers themselves were isolated so they could shower in some privacy.

Once he felt clean enough, Kaidan got out of the shower and reached for his towel. Quickly drying himself off, he reached for his clothes... only to find them gone.

_What the?_

Kaidan wrapped the towel around his waist and looked around for his clothes. It took only a few minutes to realise they weren't there. He carefully considered his options. One was that he could hide in the bathroom until the Normandy was decommissioned. The second and more practical option was to walk quickly to his quarters and get new clothes. After all, his quarters weren't too far from here, just up the hall and to the left... it was just a matter of working up the nerve.

Slowly, Kaidan peered out in to hallway. To the left, there was no one. To the right, at the far end of the hall, was Joker.

Joker smiled and waved a pair of military pants at the LT before hobbling as fast as he could out of sight.

"Damn it, JOKER!" Kaidan cried out before taking off in pursuit of the wayward Pilot

* * *

><p>"Any word from your sisters?" Commander Johanna Shepard asked Chief Williams, as she took a small sip of coffee form her N7 Mug.<p>

They were in the mess hall, sitting and having coffee. Shepard was surprised, to say the least. Although she thought of Williams as a sister, the way she snapped at Liara was highly unprofessional... and the commander had told her so in front of the squad. Williams never took to being put in line well... so when the Gunnery Chief asked if they could have coffee, it was a bit surprising.

"Well, none of late. Last I heard was that Mike and Sar decided to call it quits officially. Guess he didn't like having his ass handed to him." She informed her commander. Shepard chuckled quietly.

"No man likes that. That's why I joined the Alliance, at least the men here can take a hit." It was Williams' turn to laugh.

Just then, Joker hobbled into the room. Kaidan was in pursuit, wearing nothing but a towel. Joker was holding onto a pair of pants, waving them at the LT.

"You'll have to do better than that, Alenko!" He jeered.

"JOKER, IF I CATCH YOU I'LL –" Kaidan began.

Shepard stood up and faced the pair. "STAND DOWN NOW!" She ordered. Kaidan and Joker stopped and faced their commanding officer.

"Now what the hell is going on?" She asked.

"Ma'am, I was taking a shower when Joker stole my pants," Kaidan explained, blushing slightly.

Shepard could tell he was slightly embarrassed. She folded her arms and looked at Joker.

"Joker, give Mr Alenko his pants back, then Chief Williams will escort you back to the cockpit," she ordered.

Joker handed Kaidan his pants, then left with Williams.

Shepard looked at Kaidan. "Kaidan, go back and get changed," she said in a somewhat softer voice.

"Yes, ma'am." He replied. He started to turn around.

"Wait..." Shepard said. Kaidan turned and faced her, looking somewhat perplexed as Shepard looked him up and down.

"We'll, uh, talk later, Kaidan. Usual place?" She suddenly said, turning her back on him and hiding her slight smile.

Kaidan nervously replied, "I'd like that," then turned and headed back to his quarters.

* * *

><p>When Joker and Ashley were out of earshot, Ashley rounded on him.<p>

"You burst in too early. I was about to execute my part of the plan!" She said in a hoarse whisper.

"Well, excuse the cripple with the pissed off Biotic on his ass!"

"Well, the mission wasn't a critical failure. Shepard got an eyeful today, it'll drive her mad now." Ashley informed him.

Joker muttered something, but Ashley didn't hear. She was already working on a new plan. She was going to get the commander and Alenko together, even if it killed her...


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: so, I try my hand at a bit of Shenko drama. The song I named the chapter after and quote is Late Goodbye by Poets of the Fall.

Again I welcome feedback. It's like mother's milk to me.

Bioware owns. [ 9 more days the invasion begins }

**Mission Update 2: Late Goodbye**

Kaidan waited nervously. The tension was killing him... did she or didn't she? The survivors were all accounted for, apart from Joker and Shepard... surely they got away? _No, they'll be fine. Shepard is a survivor, she could easily take Joker and make sure they'd be on the escape pod..._

A Ensign ran up to him. "Sir, the last pod landed, S&R found it.. they are bringing the survivor out now."

"Just one?" Kaidan asked, his stomach in knots.

"Yes..." The ensign began.

Kaidan ran off to the medical tent before the ensign could finish talking. It took him only a few minutes to get there. He had to see who survived, he simply had to...

Entering the tent, Kaidan could see Dr Chakwas looking over someone. He approached, the knot in his stomach now the size of a beach ball.

"Kaidan..." Joker said in a hollow voice. He looked at Kaidan with devastated eyes, but didn't say any more – and Kaidan just stood there, looking back at Joker. Not crying, not breaking down. He simply felt... empty.

"We need to look for her." Kaidan said, more to himself than to anyone. "We can't just assume she - "

He couldn't say it. He simply couldn't.

"Kaidan..." Jeff said.

"She was spaced. There is no way Shepard could have lived." Dr Chakwas told him in a soft voice. As he let the words sink in, Kaidan kept standing in the same spot, letting Chakwas examine Joker.

Without warning, he suddenly felt an urgent need to leave the medical tent. Nobody looked at him as he turned away and walked briskly back to his tent. Three words ran though Kaidan's head as he walked, like a mantra: _She is dead... she is dead..._

... green eyes staring into brown...

_NO!_ He couldn't think of... kisses and hands feeling skin.

He stopped walking and covered his face with his hands. _Can't lose it now_, _the crew need me._ Reaching out to pull her up from the floor. She takes his hand.

Kaidan let his hands fall from his face and continued the march to his tent.

He pushed the flaps of the tent -

Pushed out of the way, falling to the ground. Watching as an invisible force lifted her high into the air.

- and entered. Immediately he sat on the floor, knees to his chest, hands by his side and eyes closed. More memories began to assault and overwhelm him. There was no point in fighting them. Not now she was -

... fingers running though thick black hair. A soft moan escapes her...

"Kaidan! Go... now." An order issued.

"... aye aye." An order followed.

Ancient earth song dancing in his head...

"And we keep driving into the night,

Such a late goodbye, such a late goodbye..."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: I was going to put up a drama chapter, but considering how depressed most of us are over the ending, I decided to post something fun to try and cheer us up

[ and before you ask, yes I hate Liara] 

**Mission Update 3: The Madness of Dr T'soni...**

[Normandy SR1 2183}

Shepard walked into the back office of the medbay. She wanted to see if Liara was feeling any better, and to apologise for yelling at her. It wasn't the girl's fault. Liara simply wanted to help, but Shepard, in a bad mood, didn't want anyone or anything else playing in her head. Liara's offer to try and unlock the vision had been unwelcome.

The first thing Shepard saw when was walked in was Liara asleep in the cot next to the desk, her back facing Shepard.

She was about to leave when she noticed something on the desk: a datapad with her name on it. Curiosity got the better of her and she walked over to the datapad and picked it up. It was Shepard's public service file, but some new notes had been added.

"_Strong survival instincts... excellent. Some lapses in moral judgement, but who's perfect? Has the brightest green eyes... killed Mother +100 approval. Nice ass... all in all acceptable bondmate... am in love."_

Liara rolled over in her sleep. Panic flowed though Shepard as she saw what Liara was clutching tightly to her chest. It was a perfectly handmade Shepard doll...

She fled the room, dropping the datapad on her way.

[Liara's Apartment, 2185]

" What the..." Shepard gasped. Garris looked from his commanding officer to the item in question.

"Well, I've heard of stalkers, but this? This is a whole new level of creepy," Garris said, trying to keep the creepy mood down.

"First my corpse... now..."

"I don't get it, why would T'soni have –" Miranda began.

"I should go" Shepard announced, then turned around and began to march up the stairs. Garris and Miranda kept their eyes on the old, battered piece of N7 armour. It was encased in bullet-proof glass, and clearly had belonged to Shepard.

"FUCKKKKKKEN HELL!"

A second later, Shepard came downstairs, sheer terror on her face. "Liara can save herself," was all she said to her teammates as she stormed out of the apartment.

Miranda followed, but Garris ran upstairs to see what had upset the commander. It was Liara's bedroom: the walls were covered in pictures of Shepard. A pair of old dogtags were framed and sat on a bedside table... and on the bed was a very lifelike Shepard doll dressed in nothing but red lacy underwear.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: another piece of Shenko drama? Why the hell not! Got to balance out the Humour plus I see Johanna as the type to do this...please rate and review...please?**

**Mission Update 4: The Message**

Screen flickers to life.

A woman in her 30s stares at in the screen, her bright green eyes making contact with the viewer.

"If you are watching this, then... the mission to Omega 4 Relay has failed. Meaning... I am dead, for real. I programmed this message to be sent to you, and you alone, in the event of my heart stopping..."

She looks away and bites her lip. Then looks back.

"I'm sorry I never contacted you, but I didn't want to risk Cerberus finding you and using what we have... had against us. But he still did it anyway. He told me you were on Horizon to make sure I'd do what he told me to. He told me I could walk away, but asked me to go to Freedom's Progress, knowing that once I saw it... I couldn't walk away from the task." Her voice rises in anger. She closes her eyes for a few minutes, calming herself, then opens them to continue.

"Would you walk away? Knowing that the Collectors were taking people. If someone gave you the tools to fight them? Of course you wouldn't. You would find another away... a way out. "

She sighs, rubbing her hand though her short, thick black hair.

"I miss you. Your advice, your dry humour, your smile... hell, if it wasn't for you, I'd never have had the heart to steal the Normandy and chase Saren to Illos. I know you can't follow me now... I love you Kaidan. Always will."

Johanna Shepard stares into the screen once more. It goes black.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **

**This was based on 3 factors. 1] a crappy weekend 2] playing ME1while listening to music and 3] a comment I read on BSN. This stars my Renagon Shepard Mila. [ colonist/ ruthless] the song she sings along too is "They Say" by Scars on Broadway...HAVE FUN! :p**

**Mission Update 5: Made Him Scream**

The Mako managed to land on its wheels after Shepard drove it off a cliff, with a giant, jarring thud.

Inside, Mila Shepard gleefully laughed.

"That was AWESOME!" She shouted over the rock music playing. She promptly put the Mako into top gear and floored it towards the next mountain... one that was even taller and steeper than the one they just drove off.

Kaidan gulped and looked at Wrex. If the warlord was just as frightened for his life, he didn't show it. "Commander, we could just drive though this ridge and we'll be at -" Kaidan began.

"IF YOU WERE ME, COULD YOU DEFEND THE GIVEN RIGHTS TO ALL OF MEN!" Shepard sang, off-key and loud, clearly ignoring him. The Mako continued its fast climb up the mountain.

_Oh dear god we're going to die_, Kaidan thought as he tightened his seatbelt.

The Mako reached the top of the summit, then stopped. There was time for a deep breath before Shepard launched the Mako off the cliff at a blinding speed.

Kaidan closed his eyes and began to silently pray as he felt his stomach lurch. Suddenly, a high-pitched, feminine scream filled the tank. The scream was so loud it could be heard over the music.

The Mako landed on its front wheels, then rocked back, before steadying.

Silence replaced the screaming and music.

For a minute, Kaidan thought he HAD died. But as opened his eyes, he knew he was still inside the Mako, still alive. Relief swept though him like wildfire, until Shepard peered around from the driver's seat. Her blue eyes were looking at... Wrex?

Kaidan followed her gaze to the Krogan. Wrex's eyes were wide with fear, and his reptilian skin had gone pale.

"What the hell was that, Wrex?" Shepard asked. "Did you actually scream?"

"That was you?" Kaidan asked, suddenly amused.

"Speak of this and I'll feed the both of you to a thresher maw," Wrex said, glaring form Shepard to Kaidan, while looking like he was about to throw up.

Shepard suddenly laughed at the top of her lungs, to which Kaidan found himself joining in. Out of all the things Wrex must have seen and done, it was a blond human woman's life-threatening driving skills that made the warlord scream...


End file.
